Remote Control Yourself

18 March 2008

One thing I dislike most about driving an older car, is having no keyless entry anymore.

See if you can fathom it: you actually have to take a key out of your pocket, put it into a slot in the side of the door, turn it, turn it back, pull the key out of the slot, and lift the handle....all this, just so you can get into your car! Absurd.

The only saving grace about keys is that they provide me still another crime-fighting weapon. I can carry those keys between my fingers, sticking out, so that in case i get mugged, i can gouge out the eyes of my assailant. That would be called "Keyful Entry" into the eyeballs. *

I feel that almost everything ought to be remote controlled.

Except sex.

Yet being single, I'd take that, too...and of course there's an exception to avoidance of remote controlled sex, as well...the sex shops now have a wonderful toy. You have your girlfriend insert these little metal spheres inside herself, and you have a remote that turns on the vibration in them.

Then the two of you go to a bar and while she's across the room chatting with someone, just zap her really good. Hysterical. It's one of my favorite things to do.
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*For another blog that came to me today while driving, see my other blog post, Drive-By Writing.
*For an even handier means of self defense with your keys, buy a Stinger, which can be held in your hand and the small protrusion can do great damage to an attacker.